Feel This
by HermoineGirl03
Summary: My adaptions to different passages and plots in the series, for example: Edward leaving Bella but from his point of view in "New Moon", a different way of Edward returning & Bella's reaction to it, etc. You'll just have to read and see if your interested!
1. Unbearable

**AUTHOR'S NOTE!: **Helllooo, everyone. My Brucas story is not on hold, I'm still writing for it. It's just going to be done slowly. This story is one that I've been wanting to write since I read, "New Moon", and I just started typing one day. Unlike my previous writing style, I'm trying to start planning what I'm going to write a bit more. The layout of each chapter will be in my head and I just have to fill in the quotes and everything. There's not much to say except for this story is in Edward's point of view. I haven't decided if some chapters will be from the Cullens' or even a few from Bella's, I guess I'll figure it out eventually, but mostly, it's Edward's thoughts and emotions. I thought "New Moon" was perfect, obviously, but I really want to start thinking about it all from Edward's mind. I'd like to see and explore exactly how much he blamed himself and I'll warn you, it does get a bit repetitive but when your a vampire who loses the reason for your very existence, I would think your thoughts tend to center around the same thing. The title for this story comes from the song, "Feel This" by Bethany Joy Galeotti. All my fellow OTH fans, I heard it on the season finale and now I love it and it seems a bit befitting of Edward. So anyways, enjoy the story please and I can take criticism...

**DISCLAIMER!:** I don't own the characters, the plot, or the stories. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer. I write strictly from her amazing ideas and I do it because she inspires me.

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**Chapter 1- UNBEARABLE**

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Utterly unbearable.

That's what the last 6 hours had been. And they were getting increasingly worse. In a normal time, in a normal world, pain was supposed to decrease as time passed. But when you were one of the few "blessed" with eternal life, hours didn't mean the same thing. They were supposed to be short and meaningless, almost nothing to live through. So why did these hours that he was currently attempting to live through feel so unbelievably painful?

Who was he trying to deceive? Himself? Impossible. As much as he wished he were able to stop thinking about the things running through his mind, he knew he would never choose to do so. It made no sense to anyone but him.

It was humanly, and even un-humanly, impossible for anyone to ever understand what he was facing. _What he was facing._ It sounded so absolute and..._forever._

An eternity seemed like a dream come true to every human he had ever met. He could see their thoughts and he never failed to see the word _forever_ stamped in their minds. They always contemplated exactly what it would mean, what they would be gaining, and what they would never have to face. It was so much easier to think of forever in a way where your whole life would never be anything but fulfilling and satisfying. They never thought of the price of forever, of all the things that you really would lose. Of all the things you never would experience. They prayed for eternity and never once thought about what would happen when they got it. They could never see beyond that first moment when it was finally granted or the moments where their existence would actually mean something. They longed for eternal life and cringed at the idea of death.

How inexcusably lucky they were. All those insignifacant humans that were actually praying to God in this very moment for a life after the one they were living now. It made him laugh at the idea. They were praying to God for eternity. They had no idea that he had no control over the kind of eternity they were wishing for. If they wanted eternity, they needed someone else; another species entirely. If they wanted eternity, why couldn't they all simply come to him and demand for his?

He had lived over 80 years and not once asked for a human life. He had never regretted his existence, he always thought that it was by some unlucky stroke of something else, a higher power, that he was what he was. He'd had no choice in the matter of his current existence, it was involuntary. But that doesn't mean that he had ever been resentful or bitter about it.

Until now. Now was the first time in both of his lives' he had lived that he wished for a human life again. The bitterness and resentment that had never plagued him before was now quickly washing over him as if trying to get back at him for never being exposed before. It was biting at him and leaving deep and unhealing wounds on his flesh. If his heart had beats left to it, they would skip unevenly for the pure jealousy and anger that would be clawing at it.

The odd thing in all of these new emotions he had never felt before was the reason he was feeling them. He was not resentful of the humans for their lives they would get to lead, no matter how short a time it may seem to him. It was not for the joy and fulfillment he knew they would have. It was not even for the chance he knew they had at heaven, a place meant for great souls and eternal happiness. It was for none of these things that his heart and mind were longing for.

It was for the simple ease of the deaths they could force upon themselves. It was for the ability they had to ignore pain and banish it to the lowest realms of their being. He would give every second he had left to have that kind of power. He never wished for the mortality he'd been denied more than he was wishing for it now.

It would have been so much easier...better...if he had died the death he was meant to when he was 17. With that simple death, he could have avoided the pain he was feeling now and he would never feel the destrcution of his being that he knew now.

And it would have been so much better for Bella.

_Bella._

Ah! To think her name was more pain than he had felt in all his years as a monstrous creature! He wanted so badly to block her name from invading his mind and to keep her face away from entering his every thought. But he could not do that. Not a moment had passed since the last moment he'd forced himself to have with her where her beauty didn't radiate in his head and he couldn't feel the warmth of her skin still lingering...melting away the ice that was his own.

He had lived throught the last 6 hours of his existence and doing that was more than he could have ever dreamed of accomplishing. He was still in disbelief that he had made it through the 15 minutes it took to convince her that she wasn't essential for him to keep _being._ That was his punishment he had always known was coming for him. He had known all these years he had been walking the planet, existing but never living, that someday the reprecussion for being what he was would catch up to him. But he never thought it would actually be the destrcution of him. He could have never guessed that when it happened, when revenge had been taken on him, that it would be like this. The gods or God above him were really intent on making sure he no longer existed, that he no longer defied nature by breathing in perfectly good air.

They had given him the worst punishment imaginable, a kind that he would never be able to forget. A kind that would quite literally haunt him forever. A kind that came in the form of a simple look on his beautiful Bella's face. A look of torture, a look of defeat...a look of _death. _A look that only a horrendous creature like himself could cause her.

And that's why he had to do it. That look that would forever haunt him and destroy him was the very reason he didn't immediately turn back around when he waled out of that forest and out of her world. He made a vow to himself, and to her, that he would never cause her so much pain again. He would stay away from her and he would take all the things that could possibly remind her of him in the future. He wanted her to be able to keep living, though he could not. Anything left there that he could get rid of, for her, he did. He wanted to make it all easier for her. He wanted nothing left there that could make her thoughts sway to a time with him, especially if that happened when she started to get better. And she would get better. She had to.

The last 6 hours had not been just pure torture because of her absence from his prescence, but for the pain he knew she was feeling. The pain he knew he was causing her. His original plan was to go back after a few weeks to check on her and make sure that she could not hurt herself. He had planned to do that every so often. The least he could do after practically killing her and destroying her very self was to make sure she had the chance to live. HE would protect her, always, from any harm that could befall her. He would make sure that she would get a life, regardless of what she might be thinking. He knew that it was very selfish of him to force life upon her without him in it when he knew that it was impossible for himself, but he could live with being selfish in this way. It would ebnefit her as well, in the long run. but, that was all a part of his _original_ plan.

The pain gnawing at him now was an obvious revelation on his part: he could never go back. Never.

He'd thought that when he'd forced Bella to make him that promise, it was useless. It wouldn't matter if she tried to hurt herself because he wouldn't allow it. He would watch her constantly without her knowing and make sure she was safe. It would be hard for him but that didn't matter. It would be best for Bella.

Now, he couldn't be happier that he had forced that promise on her. The pain he was feeling now was a thousand times worse than what he ever expected and that was a shock in itself; he had thought that the pain would just nearly kill him. But this was...beyond death. This was something else completely. He felt as if he were the first person in all of history to feel this way and that was enough to keep him satisfied. He knew he deserved this pain. He was grateful for it. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt.

He watched as the cars passed him by. He had stopped on the side of the road right beyond the limits of Forks. He stared at the back of the sign he had memorized well after all his trips in and out of the town for his family's "camping trips." A smaller pain overcame him as he realized that he would never come back. He had become quite used to being in this rainy little town and he would miss the chances he had at coming out in the day more often. He had no idea where he was headed next but he doubted that it would be as gloomy and beautiful as this place. It's beauty and signifigance had more to do with the town's present company than anything else though, he was not such a fool to believe other than that.

He looked out at the road ahead of him and took one last glance at the road leading back to his life, his fate, his love. That path could not be followed and now he only had his memories left. He convinced himself that if he thought things would eventually be better for her, for his Bella, that he would somehow be okay too. He would never stop loving her or wanting her, that was not even an option. But he would live without her if that's what would save her.

He opened the door to the silver Volvo and climbed in. He started the engine and pulled onto the main road quickly. He drove as fast as he could away from Forks, all the while resisting the urge to look in his rearview mirror.

Finally, as he knew the sign would be just barely visible, he succombed to his temptation, took one tiny glance, saw only her beautiful face in the reflection before him, and whispered to the winds, "Goodbye, Bella. I love you."

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE!:** Good? bad? heartbreaking? stupid? Let me know and I'll appreciate it :)


	2. Darkness

**AUTHOR'S NOTE!:** I've decided to change the story a little bit, I'm basically going to be writing parts of the 3 stories in a different way, for example, in another character's ponit of view or an alternate way of things happening. So, the story is going to be random from now on, whatever I decide to write will be the next chapter :)

**DISCLAIMER!:** The plots and characters of my stories are totally Stephenie Meyer's, I don't own it at all :)

A little background for this chapter...Bella never jumped off the cliff. Alice saw her jump because that was what Bella was going to do, but Alice couldn't see Jacob. He talked to Bella just as she was about to dive and he changed her mind for her, so she didn't jump. But Alice couldn't see that. She saw Bella say Edward's name and then she say her jump, yet she never saw her in the water, so she wasn't sure what happened. So, she is the one who called Edward and told him that she wasn't sure what happened to Bella and that she was going to check on her. Edward insisted on coming back with her, as he had already planned on coming back sson anyways because he couldn't live without Bella. But, he told her that he was only going to see Bella and if she was alright and happy, he would leave again and if she was dead, he was going to Italy.he didn't exactly tell her that last part, but we all know that's what he was thinking Alice, guessing this is what he would do, asked Emmet to come to, just in case. So, they head to Bella's house to check on her. They don't intend on making themselves seen...

Also, they appear at Bella's house just as she is in the truck with Jacob and he's about to walk her inside, from "New Moon", and she's thinking about what she should do: be with Jacob so she can try to be happy or continue pining for Edward and dealing with the truth that she'll never love anyone like she did him? I know the timing of all this is a bit unreal, she only just jumped off the cliff a few hours ago and Edward already came back to Alaska and then him and Alice and emmet left for Forks, but hey, they're vampires, they run fast :) Also, this is in Bella's point of view.

So, here we go...

**Chapter 2-- "Darkness"**

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I was staring into darkness. Jacob's arms were wrapped around me and I could feel the warmth encircled around me and I could feel the intensity of the moment, but it didn't really matter. This moment meant more for Jacob than it did for me. More than anything, I wanted this to be enough. I wanted to be with Jacob and have it mean enough to make me happy and I'd been thinking about that a lot lately. But I didn't think it ever would be enough. "Happy" had a different meaning now and anything less than the happy I'd once felt was like a betrayal. It scared me to have the realization that no matter how much I wished it to be untrue, the moments that Jacob and I had like this would _always_ mean more to him than they ever would for me.

I was pathetic. A moment ago, I'd seriously considered making Jacob mine. If I would have done that, it would have been the biggest mistake of my life. I would have completely crushed him because in the deepest part of my heart, I knew that it would have been a lie. Jacob did make me happy, he pieced me together when I'd been broken beyond repair. But he wasn't the one I really wanted.

Edward was the one I wanted.

It was dangerous to have these thoughts! Why couldn't I stop? I was doing so well before this, I never let my mind wander to things like that! And here I was at a terrible time thinking of _him._ What was wrong with me? I must be a masochist, there was no other explanation.

As I felt the hole that was permanently burned inside of me start to singe, I pryed myself out of Jacob's arms so I could see his face. I knew it would help and sure enough, when I saw his warm smile, my heart warmed and the burning hole retreated. It wasn't the same smile that had fixed me before, but sometimes I could see a shadow of that smile in the one he wore now and that was the best I could hope for.

"Jake, thanks for today. For talking me off the cliff, you were right, it would have been way too dangerous with the water like that." _And I still got to hear Edward's voice,_ I added to myself smugly. I knew it had all worked out for the best. I got to hear Edward's voice and I was also kept from being attacked by Victoria, who had been in the water below me. The thought of just her fiery red hair gave me chills and I had almost jumped in the water where she was waiting for me, with her _teeth._

"Of course. I'm just happy I got to you in time, I-I can't even think about what would have happened if I would have been too late..." He looked at me with such sorrow and relief in his eyes that my heart broke for him. I had been so close to causing him so much pain and that would have been unbearable.

"So, you should come down again tomorrow morning. I'm sure Charlie will be busy dealing with stuff for the funeral and you'll be safe at my house."

"Sure thing." I said happily. I didn't mind being at Jacob's house. It was warm and comfortable there. And it was safe.

He grinned goofily at me for a minute and then he started to open his door. "Come on, I'll walk you inside. It will add on to my age!" He said laughing.

I smiled and opened my door too. He was so tall, he'd already reached me before I even closed my door and he grabbed my hand. It felt nice but the sensation from earlier was back, the feeling of it not being enough. We started walking toward my house and Jacob was talking to me about something but I couldn't hear what he was saying. Something felt different. It felt like someone was watching me. A wave of familiarity hit me with such force that I stopped dead in my tracks.

Jacob noticed this and was looking at me curiously. He was just about to open his mouth when he suddenly stopped and tensed up. His face contorted with rage and before I knew what was happening, I was behind him him and he was standing protectively in front of me shaking.

_"Vampire!"_ He shouted. His arms were bulging and his shaking was getting worse.

I was terrified, but not for the reasons I should have been. I should have been terrified because I was currently directly behind a werewolf that looked like he was about to phase at any second and had the strength to rip me to shreds if he lost control. I should have been terrified at the thought of Victoria lurking behind the trees in front of us, ready to attack. I should have been terrified because my life and the life of my best friend were in danger all because of me.

But none of that terrified me. No, that was nothing compared to the thoughts I was having in that moment.

Jacob was a werewolf and he could smell vampires from much farther away than we were now. He would have smelled Victoria while we were in the truck and we wouldn't even be standing here right now. But if it were a vampire whose scent was unfamiliar to him, one he hadn't smelled since he became a werewolf...that would be different.

And even though I was standing there, possibly facing death, I couldn't be scared of that. I was only scared of the thought I was having. I was having a dangerous thought, the most forbidden of thoughts. I was hoping and that was definitely not something I was allowed to do. But I couldn't resist. The familiarness that had swept over me was not for the dangerous red-haired vampire that wished to destroy me. It was for a different vampire completely. A vampire that only _I_ could recognize the scent of- even if I was only a human- because it was the sweetest smell in all the world and it was one I had waited so long to smell again but never dreamed I would have the chance.

I slowly peeked around Jacob's shoulder, terrified that I would be right. I almost didn't want to look because if I were wrong, I'd never recover. My hope had grippled my heart and if it were proven wrong, I would slip back into the darkness and even my own personal sun would not be able to shine bright enough for me to see.

As if my life were a movie and the next moment was the painful suspense that everyone had been waiting for, the creature that lurked in the very forest that was the source of my nightmares stepped forward slowly. And the face that appeared was cruel. It was much too beautiful to torment any human with. It was a cruel beautiful because it was painful to look at. But there was more than one reason for that now.

My breath didn't exactly catch in my throat as it normally did when I thought of my unmeasurable pain, but it completely left me. Yet it was different this time. My breath left me, not for the pain that accompanied this face, but for the mere sight of it, for this face to be within my grasp again. The face I had longed to see, to hold for months and months was standing twenty feet from me and yet it had never seemed so far away.

_Edward._

"_Edward."_ It slightly suprised me that my thoughts and my words were simultaneous in this particular realization but I didn't have enough emotion to think it through more than that. I had only enough left in me to wonder if the face I was seeing was a sick and twisted way of my mind playing tricks on me, again, or if it were real. I honestly couldn't be sure anymore.

Then I heard Jacob growl, a deep and menacing sound. I still wasn't completely convinced that this was actually happening. Or at least I wasn't until his perfect lips formed a magical sound...

"Bella." That was it. That was the only thing he said and it was enough to break me in the exact same way it did all those months ago in that dreadful forest when my life had come to an end. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help staring at him now that he had addressed me. For the first time, I locked eyes with his beautiful golden ones and I gasped at the sight. They were so much..._more..._than I remembered them. There were several shades of onyx and topaz mixed with the gold and it confused me. I was used to the gold and the topaz but the onyx was new. I briefly wondered why that color had made an appearance but again, my mind didnt focus on any kind of thought for long. I instantly went back to observing his face.

There were deep circles under his eyes, but his pupil color indicated that he wasn't hungry. His face was set like stone and for the first time, I noticed he was staring back at me with an intensity that I had never known. Beyond his eyes yet right there visible in them was...happiness. I don't know how I could tell it was there but it seemed right. He looked happy and I couldn't, for the life of me, imagine why.

"Bella." He said my name again only this time, he took a small step forward. As he did this, Jacob took a large step back and growled once more. For the first time since Edward's appearance, he looked at Jacob. The happiness so clear in his eyes just a moment before was replaced by curiosity and defense. He looked like he was sizing Jacob up and then he slightly smiled. He looked between Jake and I and realized that he was trying to supress a laugh. This made me mad, incredibly mad.

"What are you doing? Why are you smiling?" I demanded furiously. This was the last question I should be asking him. I had so many more important ones that were far more crucial to my well-being but I couldn't stop the rage fighting inside of me. Here he was, back in Forks completely out of nowhere after leaving me alone to face my worst fear and he had the nerve to smile?!

He looked back at me and though the corners of his mouth still twitched, he instantly looked regretful.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh but the situation is quite unexpected. Yet in some ways, it makes complete sense." He was looking at me with that fierce intensity again and I couldn't understand it. I also didn't understand his answer.

"I don't understand," I replied quietly. This seemed to be an appropriate answer. I didn't understand, _anything._ I felt silly for saying it so early in the conversation because I was sure I would be using the response a lot more, but maybe it would provoke him to explain other things.

"Bella, when I...left, I was expecting you to stay out of danger. That was the purpose of the promise you made me. But I overlooked the fact that you are _you_ and danger will incontravertably find you. The vampires leave town and the first new friend you make is a werewolf." He explained this all while still trying to control the temptation to smile but he did it well.

He thought that my being friends with Jacob was _dangerous?_ All I did was attract danger? If it weren't for Jacob, the ultimate danger would have won me a long time ago.

And he had brought up _the_ promise. The promise I had been breaking for months.

And then I knew why he was here. Why _they _were here; I finally noticed Alice and Emmett standing slightly behind Edward with him at the front center position. There could only be one reason why they would come back and there was no need for me to waste one of the many questions I had for him on the most present matter because I already knew the answer: Alice saw me on the cliff.

I instantly felt a twinge of regret. I had made them all come back because of a stupid impulse. But I still didn't understand why it mattered enough to make _him_ come back. Alice could have come to check on me herself if they _were_ really worried about me. Why did Edward come back then? He didn't care about what happened to me. I was more sure of that than anything else in my life for the simple reason being that he had said it to me himself. I always believed everything he told me.

"You came back because you thought I jumped off the cliff, right?" I voiced my thoughts out loud ready to hear confirmation. I took a small step to even myself with Jacob's side and he looked at me angrily. He didn't apporve of me being anywhere other than behind him where he was convinced I was safe. I knew better than that. The three vampires in front of me would never hurt me. At least not physically. That was a reality I was still unable to face and though I ahdn't gone frther with the thought, the hole inside of me seared. Painful memories...

It was Alice who answered me this time.

"Yes, that's right. And I should kill you for even thinking about it Isabella Swan!" Jacob tensed even more and snarled louder than ever at the word _"kill"_ but I placed my hand on his arm to calm him. His body loosened a fraction of an inch but his eyes were still dangerous.

"How could you even think of doing something like that?! Did you even think about Charlie? Did you think of what would have happened if you _wouldn't_ have come up from the water? And by the way, how exactly did you come up? I couldn't see you! I only saw you whisper Edward's name and then you just flung yourself off! I panicked when I didn't see anything else and that's why we're here. I wasn't sure if you were even..." She didn't finish her sentence. She glanced at Edward and saw that he had flinched in pain. Again, this made me curious.

"Alice...I'm sorry. I didn't know that you- I didn't jump. Jacob stopped me right before. I was doing it because- I thought it would be fun." I finished quitely. I knew that my answer was nowhere near enough to satisfy her but I was getting tired of standing here like this. Jacob was very close to phasing and all these questions were insignificant to the matter at hand.

And more than anything, I wanted to stand closer to him. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him and how much I loved him. I wanted to be strong enough to keep a hold on him forever. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was that I was that he always had to protect me. And most of all, I wanted him to _stay._

Alice glared at me and was about to, undoubtedly, yell at me again, but Edward stopped her. He held his palm out to her and he faced her, whispering something incomprehensible to me.

Then he turned and faced me.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we came back. You have to trust me, I didn't intend on you seeing us. I only wanted to come and make sure you were safe but it seems that your new friend has prevented this from happening. I'm sorry, I broke my promise." He was looking at me with sorrow in his eyes and his words rang with sincerity but they meant nothing. I couldn't believe what he was saying. He said that he was going to come and check on me without even letting me see him?

And again, the pointless promise was brought up again, though his was more pointless than mine had been. That, more than anything that had happened in the last few minutes, provoked emotion in me. It provoked sheer anger.

I took several steps in front of Jacob and I could feel his arm trying to pull me back but without even looking at him, I yanked it away. My gaze could not be broken from the vampire directly in front of me.

"Your _sorry_ for breaking your promise? Is that some kind of joke? Your promise meant _nothing, _Edward! Your promise was broken before you even made it! Can you honestly tell me that you thought it was a promise you could keep? What do you think I've been doing since you left? Do you think I woke up the next morning and just skipped off to school and completely forgot about everything that happened? That I forgot about you? I haven't forgotten you for a single second since you left! Your promise was one you could never keep!" I was screaming at him now but I didn't care. I could feel tears threatening to spill and hard as I worked to control them, I knew the battle was soon to be lost. Rage burned inside me more than the painful hole had ever managed to. I could feel the regret I knew I'd have when I was not so angry, he didn't deserve to be yelled at like this, but I couldn't help it. I should be yelling at myself, it was my fault. Everything that happened was my fault. I was a human who fell in love with a vampire, a beautifula nd perfect vampire and I had stupidly expected him to love me back. It wasn't his fault that he didn't feel the same way. He had graced me with his company for so long and I should feel grateful for that. But the rage would not subside long enough for me to see reason.

He was looking at me with the most tormented of expressions and the guilt that I had expected to come a little later was now washing over me. I didn;t want to see him in pain. If nothing else killed me before, that would.

"Bella, I'm truly sorry. I'm- Of course, I'm more than sorry. That promise was the only good thing I could do for you. I wanted it to be true, I wanted you to forget me. I'm sorry that I didn't have the power to do that for you." He was still looking at me with that ancient sadness. His hands moved as if he were about to reach out for me, but it was false hope.

The guilt and the anger I felt were now switching themselves and I clenched my fists at my side.

"_'The only good thing you could do for me'!_ You _were_ the only thing good for me! You were my everything Edward, my whole life! How could you even think that I could forget you! It's not- I don't understa- _how could you do this to me?!_" Before I knew what I was doing, I was hitting him. I was punding at his chest with all the force I could summon. I didn't care that my hands would be terribly bruised later. The only thing I could feel was his body against my hands and even though it was nowhere near what I as used to, I still sighed inwardly at the sensation of it. I could feel the sobs escaping from my chest and I suddenly realized that the tears I was holding back were now streaming down my face. And I still didn't care. The only thing I cared about was _him._ I was beating into him every pain that I had felt since he left me. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair but I couldn't stop. "_You left me to face this all alone! You told me-you promised-you'd never leave! I actually...believed you when you said...when you said-" _I couldn't make sense of what I was saying. Nothing around me made any sense. There was only the two of us in the world. I could feel the last piece of my heart, the one that had stayed safe all this time with just the tiniest bit of hope that he still wanted me, the piece that I had protected with my life, break into a million pieces and there was nothing keeping me together anymore. The only thing keeping me alive was the feel of his ice cold chest that my hands were beating into. If I stopped, I wouldn't breathe again.

Finally, after what felt like an odd peaceful eternity, he gently grabbed my wrists and cuffed them together with his stone cold iron grip. I had no feeling left in me so it didn't take any courage to look up at him. When I did, his eyes were closed and I swear, if I didn't know exactly how impossible it was for him to cry real tears, I would think he was trying to supress them. But when he finally opened his eyes, I could see he was trying to shiel his pain. He wasn't successful.

He slowly brought my hands up to his face and gently kissed them. The feel of his lips on my skin was more than I could ever imagine heaven could feel like. the feel was so familiar and so precious, more tears spilled out for the sacrity of the moment. He then brought my hands to his face and slowly turned the outside of my hand where the side of my pinky was turning purple to it and held it there as if to ice it.

"Your going to hurt yourself, Bella. I've already caused you enough pain and the thought of adding your hands to that enormous list is unbearable. Don't let me be the source of a broken hand because I'm far from being worth it."

And that was it. I crumpled into him. I drew my hands from his face and placed them on his chest as I let his arms embrace me as tightly as he could without suffocating me. I don't know what finally broke me. It could have been his words, it could have been the gesture of stopping me from causing myself any harm, it could have even been the fact that I wasn't going to last any longer with being that close to him without really feeling him around me. Whatever it was, I was grateful for it. The feel of _him_ was something that nothing else could even hope to rival. So I just cried. I knew that it was weak and it was human but it was what I needed. I cried and I let myself feel my broken heart. He stood there the entire time never letting go of me and never even loosening his grip. He smoothed my hair, kissed the top of my head, rubbed comforting circles into my back, and whispered to me that it was okay, that _I_ was okay.

It was all very simple and even though I knew there were many more explanations that were coming soon, I forgave him. If I were completely honest with myself, I knew I had forgiven him the moment I saw him because just the sight of him made me feel whole. He didn't fix me, he made me complete, there was no need to fix me. I wasn't sure about what was going to happen next. I wasn't sure if all of this changed anything for him, I still was mostly convinced that this wouldn't last for long. But that was why I needed it so badly now. If this was going to kill me later, than I was going to make sure that it was worth it.

As long as I could feel him around me, I didn't worry. And as I felt him pick me up and carry me to what must be my bedroom, I briefly wondered about what happened to Jacob. I nearly voiced this thought out loud but Edward beat me to it.

"Don't worry love, your werewolf friend is gone. He has to obey the treaty." Edward said quietly and I was about to ask more but thenhe layed me down on my bed. I was scared out of my mind that this was it, that I wouldn't get a chance to ask him any questions or worse, that he was leaving again, but he didn't move. He set me down just long enough to get my blanket and wrap me in it and then he climbed behind me and once again, wrapped his arms around me in a protective embrace. I felt more safe and deifinitely more happy with my face buried in his chest so I could inhale as much of him as I was capable of. I turned my body to his and pressed myself tightly to him. I could feel his smile and he kissed the top of my head. I looked up at his face and I refused to look away. I wanted to memorize his beauty or at least try. I had to keep this memory of him forever because it was going to be the last one I had of him and I was determined to make it great.

"It's okay, Bella. Everything is okay. Just breathe in deep, breathe me in. I'm not going anywhere. Just keep breathing, you have to keep breathing." He looked down at me with such a fierce desire in his eyes that it smoldered me. My forever was in my arms and I was never letting go. And as I buried my face in his chest again as I felt a new wave of tears come, I took his advice and breathed him in.

My breath had been restored. Life had meaning again.

-

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE!:** Haha, how'd you like it? This isn't the last part of this whole Edward and Bella reunion thing, their going to talk and he's going to reassure her that he loves her in the next chapter but this was just the right place to end. I put in the, "breathe in so deep, breathe me in", as a commencement to the inspiration of that part of the story. It's a part of the song "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade and every time I hear that part, I think of Edward and Bella. I also want to let you know that I am completely and totally 100 perfectly fine with the way Edward and Bella were reunited in "New Moon". I totally believe that she would have truly forgiven him that way and that's how I saw it, but I got inspired to write the reunion like this from another story. I wrote it my own way, but the other story got me thinking about it like this. I thought it was incredibly interesting writing it like this because I cried like 6 times becasue I felt horrible for writing Bella's pain. It's intense. Especially when she's beating on his chest...wow. But, I hope you liked it and keep a weather eye out for the next chapter :)


	3. Acceptance

**AUTHOR'S NOTE!:** I'm updating this very soon after the last chapter because I still have a burst of inspiration left over and I want to use it as much as I can :)

**DISCLAMIER!:** Stephenie, you own it all. You also own Breaking Dawn which is being released on SATURDAY!!

_Alright, so now that we're past all the pain and tears, we can move on to the apologies and the explanations :) The two lovers are in Bella's bed and Bella has spent the entire night crying into Edward. Charlie is at the hospital still and Alice is keeping an eye out for him so she can give Edward and Bella a heads up to his arrival. _

And, we're off...

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**Chapter 3--"Acceptance"**

**-**

I couldn't really tell how long I'd been crying for, but I knew it must have been a long time. Most of the time that had passed consisted of nothing more than me staring at Edward's face desperately while tears flowed freely down mine. He never once looked away from me though. He gazed at me just as amazedly as I had gazed him. It was a peaceful reunion; a bittersweet bond that would only make him leaving again harder. I didn't want to waste any of my precious time with him worrying about how I would handle his surely coming departure, but I was used to not getting what I wanted. The fear that became pronounced so clearly in me was worse than the pain would be, I was sure of that. I was scared of what would happen to me when he was gone. I couldn't bear to think of how I had been surviving for the last few months and the thought of trying to do that again was unacceptable. I wouldn't live through something like this again. I was only a human.

Eventually though, my tears came in slower amounts and finally, they stopped. They just stopped, right like that. I had a feeling it was because my body literally had no water left to spare. I was completely dehydrated and I could barely see from the puffiness of my eyes. But none of that could stop me from reveling in his beauty, so godlike and statuesque. Nothing in the world could rival his beautiful face and I felt pity for those who had created masterpieces in an attempt to try.

I realized that my hands were clutching his shirt with all the strength I had and as I loosened my fingers, I felt the pain that I knew would come after my outburst earlier. I also felt the tightness of my muscles in my fingers from having them curled for God only knew how long. I looked at Edward's shirt and saw that it was incredibly wrinkled where my hands had been but he didn't seem to notice. He had only eyes for me.

It was odd and I still didn't understand anything that had happened. I knew that he had only come back because of guilt; he felt an obligation to protect me because he was so convinced that he had endangered my life too many times. Though I completely disagreed with his way of thinking, I knew he couldn't be swayed into thining otherwise. But this had to end. As much as it was going to kill me to do it, I was going to set him free. I couldn't let this happen to him again, I couldn't bear him having any guilt over me and my stupid mistakes. I had to start making my magnet for danger my own problem and relieve him of his duty to protect me. No matter what it took, I would make sure that he could be happy. So I drew in the deepest breath I could- I had more breath now than I was used to and it was an easier task to fulfill- and started the most painful conversation I would ever endure.

"Edward, I'm sorry that you had to come back. I mean, whatever you were doing before...I'm sorry I had to interrupt it. But you have to know that I don't _blame_ you. It's not your fault-everything that's happened to me has happened _because_ of _me._ You don't have any obligation to my safety...I don't want you to have to come back and protect me every time I'm in danger." I had to stop for a second to catch my breath. I hadn't spoken any of the words fast, but the pain of saying them tore my lungs of the oxygen I had been so confident in a few moments before. But I had to keep going, I had to make sure this worked. "I know that you feel guilty, but when I was on the cliff...if I would have died, it wouldn't have been your fault. You can't let your guilt over the bad things that happen to me take over..." I couldn't finish. I wanted to but I didn't have the strength. Hopefully, that would be enough to free him.

He stared at me incredulously for a moment before he replied; anger evident in his voice.

"Bella...you thought I came back to see you because I felt _gulity?_" He asked me. His eyes were no longer intense but metallic with frustration and curiosity.

"What other reason would you have to come back?" I countered. He was making me feel small and childish for saying what I had. I was right; he did feel guilty. There would be no other motivation for his return.

"Bella, of _course_ I felt guilty. More guilty than you'll ever know. Alice only saw you say my name and then jump...what other reason am I supposed to think of, besides myself, that would place you in danger? I've been putting you in danger since the moment I met you but I've never once failed to protect you. This was no exception. I had to come back and make sure that you were safe. Nothing else mattered, I just had to know you were okay. If you weren't..." He trailed off, flinching at the idea of how his sentence could have ended. He wasn't helping me understand any of this better. He was only making it more confusing.

"But that's my point. You're here because you had to know I was safe, you felt obligated to come back and see that I was okay. But Edward, I get into trouble every day! I trip and fall and scratch myself up, I ride motorcyles and fall and bust my head, and I've had Victoria chasing after me for weeks!" His eyes flashed dangerously at this last one and though I knew I would have to eventually explain it, I had to get out what I was trying to say first. "Later! Everything is okay, I'm fine. But even if I weren't...things are going to happen to me and it's not your job to save me from it all! If something happened to me, it wouldn't matter..." I said quietly. I was truly a masochist. I had just made the hole inside of me grow bigger. I had been thinking my last sentence since my last unthinkable day with the vampire holding onto me but I had never voiced it aloud. And now, hearing it come from my own mouth as I had heard it, more or less, from his suddenly gave the words a new truth.

He was looking at me incredulously again and anger was now glaring back at me through his liquid gold eyes more than it ever had in the entire time I'd known him. It scared me; I didn't think it was possible for that look to ever be directed at me.

"Isabella Swan, how dare you say that? _'If something happened to you, it wouldn't matter'!_ Of _course _it would matter! You seem to be under a misapprehension; me feeling guilty wasn't the only reason for my return. If I would have come back and found that you weren't here, there would be absolutely no reason for me to be here, or anywhere. _Ever._" The anger was gone and it was replaced with the intensity that I was unknowingly getting attached to. The words coming from his mouth were not making any sense. And as if he sensed my confusion, he grabbed my face between his cold hands and forced me to look him directly in his eyes. I could feel impossible tears coming but I was determined to hold them. I already couldn't breathe and the shaking sobs that would come with the tears would definitely not help the situation. "I thought that I made it clear to you before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist. There would be no place, no reason for me at all."

My head was swimming. His words, so very familiar though they were from another life, were a lie. He had made that clear. The day that I was forbidden to remember had ended the meaning to all the other words he had spoken to me because they were the only ones that made any logical sense. I wasn't good enough for him. There was no reason at all that he should want me. There was nothing about me that could keep him.

"I am...confused." Sure, that sounded okay.

"I lied, Bella. I'm far more talented than you are at it, I've had great practice." My body went completely rigid at this new confession and I was completely frozen. No breath, no thoughts, no pain...just solidity. Edward slightly shook me and I loosened my pose a bit. But I was still far from understanding anything he was saying. "Bella, let me finish! I lied to you, but it was for the right reason. You were in far too much danger with me here and I couldn't stand it anymore. I knew the only way to keep you safe, to make sure that you would get a full and complete human life, was if I left. It was the last thing I wanted to do, it killed me to do it. But there was no other way." His eyes were full of sorrow now and his gaze made my heart break, what was left of it. His next words were a painful whisper and his voice broke several times. "You weren't going to let go. I knew that. I couldn't tell you why I was really leaving because you would have said all the things that would make me stay and I knew it wouldn't take too much to do. So I had to close myself off. I knew I would have to make up the greatest lie of my existance to even make you start to doubt me. But you believed me so quickly! I never imagined it would be so easy. I could see it; it was right there in your eyes. You honestly believed that I didn't want you! Death would have been preferrable to what I felt when I saw that you believed me. It was pain beyond the worst kind of torture. I had to lie to keep you safe and I failed. I'm so sorry, Bella. More than I can ever tell you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I lied, I'm sorry you believed me, and I'm sorry that I caused you such an excruciating amount of pain. I lied to save you and it didn't work. I'm so sorry." He bowed his head and closed his eyes but my face was still cupped in his hands. I could feel the shock all over my face. I had nowhere to look but at him and I didn't need to see his eyes to feel the pain he was in right now. I was still frozen in shock but enough emotion had been restored in me to replay his words in my head.

He had lied to save me from himself. He convinced me that he didn't want me because he thought it would help me move on.

That was definitely not what I was expecting.

Edward was looking at me again and I stopped my thought process and regained focus to hear his next words.

"Bella. How could you believe me? The most _insane, ridiculous_ idea- that I could somehow survive without _wanting you or needing you?_" He laughed a hard and frustrated laugh. "What were you thinking?" He shook my head a little as if to shake the answer out of me.

Then there was no stopping the tears. They finally broke through the barrier and came spilling out.

"I _knew_ it! I knew that this couldn't be real!" I sobbed. I didn't know it was possible for me to more broken than before.

Edward sighed but he half-smiled too. "What am I going to do with you? Your so stubborn! How can I make you believe me? I am _right here_, with you and this is where I'm going to stay. I'm not leaving again. I have always been with you in some way. I could have never completely broken myself away from you, Bella. I may not need oxygen to survive but I _do_ need you. Our bond is something I tried to ignore because I thought it would be better for you but it's just not possible. I'm tied to you in every way, Bella. I'm here and I _love _you, I have _always_ loved you. No matter how much you believed the lie, trust me when I tell you that it was just that, a cruel lie. Every second that I was away, I thought of you. Your face has been burned into my memory and I couldn't stop seeing you. When I told you that I didn't love you, that I didn't love you...it was the purest form of fabrication."

I couldn't be hearing this. I knew that this was impossible. This was the false hope I'd been so worried about. Letting myself fall apart like I had was costing me my sanity. This wasn't real, it couldn't be. The words escaping from his mouth and forming musical sound were words I wanted more than anything in existance to hear and believe but I couldn't. If I started to believe them, I would be proven wrong. If that happened, I would slip into a never ending darkness that no amount of light could penetrate. To refelct my thoughts, I shook my head as tears continued to come in swells.

"Why is it so impossible for you to believe me?" His voice was dripping with sadness and frustration. And it was still the most beautiful sound I would ever hear.

When I really thought about his question, the answer was right there in front of me. I knew why I was so skeptical and it had nothing to do with his months of absence. It had to do with his time that he had spent with me before he had departed. I was insecure and shy just looking at him; feeling insignificant next to him when he radiated so brightly with an unmatchable beauty. But that had nothing to do with the way _he_ made me feel, it was _my_ way of looking at things that had compelled me to think that way. But I still had to give him an answer and I wasn't sure if the truth would help or make things worse. I guess it would be...easier to go with the truth. I was a terrible liar...

"You deserve more. You deserve something better than me. I've always known that; I'm not enough to have you." My sobs had made it hard for me to even understand my words and it didn't help that my voice kept breaking. But he had heard every word.

His jaw tightened and his face was set.

"Bella, you are _far_ more than enough to have me. _You _deserve better than I could _ever_ be. How can I prove that to you? How can I show you that _you_ are what I want and even though it's selfish, it's what I have to have?" He asked me with such desperation in his voice, it made me flinch. I was starting to believe him and I couldn't afford to do that.

Before I knew what was happening, he was pulling my face closer to his and my breath got caught in my throat. I gasped as I realized what his intentions were. I knew that this was what I wanted more than I wanted my own life, but I knew that it would hurt. I wasn't completely sure if all of this was real, though I was mostly convinced by now. No dream or hallucination could ever bring his sweet and seductive smell to me in such concentrated doeses. No dream or hallucination could make me feel the cold touch of his skin and the shiver that it gave me. A shiver that was caused by electricity rather than the icy touch. And no dream or hallucination could ever make my heart race as fast as it was now at the prospect of feeling his perfect lips on mine. It was a feeling that I had craved for longer than I could remember and a dream that I had never quite given up because if I had, I would never feel anything again. So I decided that no matter if this were real or just a dream, I would accept the kiss without hesitation because the pain would be well worth the feel of my racing heart again. The feel of _something_, anything but the numbness.

I made my decision just in time because the next moment, his lips were on mine and my entire body was on fire. It wasn't the usual burning feeling I had that accompanied the hole in my chest, but an icy burn that seemed to be flowing into every particle of my anatomy and blazing everything inside of me until it was alive again. The perfect motion of our lips moving in complete harmony was completely erasing the time we had spent apart and as the icy fire made it's way to the gaping hole in my chest, I knew that the emptiness inside of me was being refilled exactly as it had been before. It was like my angel had never left and we were starting time exactly as we had left it, like our walk in the forest were just for scenery and Edward had carried me back up to my room to just lay with me and hold me. The zombie was shrinking into the suffocating darkness that I knew I had felt before but couldn;t for the life of me recall the actual feeling. The only feeling I had was my only love, gripping me with a gentle force and memorizing my face with his hands as mine were doing the same to his. His marble body was pressed against mine and I could distinguish each muscle in his chest. My breath was non-existant as it always was when I was kissing Edward and when he stopped only long enough for me to regain air, he continued to kiss the spot behind my ear and my jawline...three, four, five times before he crahsed back into my lips. The kiss was not careful and guarded, which I was grateful for. It was hungry and full of desire.

After what I was convinced was at least half of an eternity, Edward pryed himself from my mouth and tangled his hands in my hair while he whispered my name with such love that I choked out more tears. I was incredibly dizzy and still trying to recapture oxygenI was too entranced in the moment to rationalize with my mind that I actually needed it, but my body was telling me better when Edward retracted one hand from my hair and placed it gently on my chest. I watched as his hand pulsed at the feel of my beating heart and his crooked smile took control of his face and he sighed, seemingly content.

"The most precious sound I've ever had the pleasure to hear. I can't believe I've lived so long without it." He was still smiling but it changed slightly. It looked sadder. The new emotion on his face made me frown, it didn't suit him well. His face held too much beauty to be plagued with anything other than the utmost happiness. All I could do was touch his face and bask in serenity of the moment.

"You know the truth now, Bella. I will never be so foolish again; I'm here for as long as you want me. But I have to know that I'm here for that very reason. If you don't want me to stay, I'll leave. I promise that I won't object to that, I only want you to be happy. If you've moved on or if you feel differently about me than before, I can handle it so please don't think about what will happen to me! I just need to know if you can love me again," he said all of this in a nervous ramble which only added to how much I was attracted to him.

"Edward, nothing, _no one,_ could ever mean to me what you do. Your the only reason I have to keep living and nothing could ever change that. So you're just gonna have to deal with it!" I said happily. I wasn't sure if my confidence in him came from his words or mine, but I was sure that it would last. He loved me, he wanted me, and the fact that I had ever doubted it seemed silly. There was conviction in the moment, a sense of right when he explained to me his decisions. Something inside of me seemed pleased at what he had told me, I knew it was the truth.

"I'm sorry that I didn't believe you until now. I just couldn't let myself hope...I didn't want to start to believe in you and then realize that my hold wasn't strong enough to keep you."

He looked at me so thoughtfully for a minute, I actually thought he was trying to read my mind. It made me curious but before I even had time to give him a questioning look, he had me pressed firmly against his chest and he was cradling my head. He spoke his next words with deep sincerity.

"Your hold on me is permanent and unbreakable, Bella. Never doubt that."

And I knew I never would again. things weren't going to go back to how they were before, too much was different now. We were different. My life had altered in the time that he was gone and it couldn;t go completely back. Sure, it was easy so far to bend it to my will, but I knew it would only go so far. Jacob would not be happy, Charlie would not be happy. But I knew that I could do deal with all that. I had Edward, forever. I had never believed any of his promises as much as I believed him in that promise and it was that very promise that would keep me going. I had him and he was all I needed.

And so with the truth came acceptance. Edward was mine as irrevocably as I was his. A never ending smile graced my human lips and as Edward looked down at them, a hungry desire filled his eyes that I was sure had nothing to do with my blood...

-

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE!:** Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! BREAKING DAWN WAS FANTASTIC!! I FINISHED IT IN 10 HOURS AND 31 MINUTES!! I LOVED IT! Okay, I'm pretty much done now, haha :) I stole one of the actual lines from "New Moon" for this chapter because it was my favorite in all of the apology scene from the actual book but everything else was pretty much rewritten by me, although it's very similar to the book. I have no idea what the next chapter will be, I'll have to think of something new. Thanks for reading this so far :)


	4. Untouched

**AUTHOR'S NOTE!:** This one is going to be a little different guys. This is NOT based on any of the books, it's a completely new scene betweenwho else? Edward and Bella but I'm basing it around the time of Eclipse because they're talking about her becoming a vampire. I have no idea where the idea came from but the dialogue has kind of been bouncing around in my head for a while so I'm gonna try it and see if it works :)

**DISCLAIMER!:** Of course Stephenie owns it! You think I'm creative enough to creaet Bella and Edward? Please! By the way people, let's refrain from bashing "Breaking Dawn" shall we? I realize that it's a disappointment to somealthough I don't understand why, even if you are a Jacob fan! but guess what? It's a disappointment to the HP world that we have to wait ANOTHER ENTIRE YEAR for our movie...don't get me started on it, PLEASE!...but we have to...deal with it...somehow...and move on :l And so do you guys! So if you didn't like the book, at least you liked the first three and by bashing Stephenie Meyer, you're making it seem like you hate the whole series!

Alright, I guess a little background...I've pictured this scene playing out while Bella and Edward are in her room just lying together and having a conversation and it leads to what the chapter will talk about. This is sometime during "Eclipse" I guess and that's about all you need to know. Bella has agreed to marry him if he changes her but he's, of course, trying to get inside her head and see why she wants to change in the first place...

Oh, and the chapter is **very loosely** based on the song "Untouched" by the Veronicas, but like I said, it's a very loose comparison that I may be the only one to see to begin with.

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**Chapter 4--"Untouched"**

**-**

These were my favorite nights. The nights that involved me and my perfect--boyfriend wasn't the right word, not nearly strong enough--soulmate. Edward preferred another term but it was difficult for me to talk about our relationship using the word that he did, so I didn't talk about it. Or think about it. Edward was completely distracting and since practically every night was spent, in several variations, like this one, I didn't really have much time to be stressed out about that term. Every night I had moments like this one right now and every night, my entire world was centered on the person that was cradling my body close to his and kissing my neck.

I really couldn't say how long we did this kind of thing every night, I guess it all depended on how tired I was from the day and if my body was feeling traiterous enough to put me to sleep. So I liked to enjoy it while I could. My old insecurities about this kind of night not lasting for long were so different than the ones I had about it now. I used to worry that, very abruptly, Edward would get off my bed, stand up and smooth his shirt out, and leave with no more than a "well, this has been great, but I'm bored of it now" kind of speech and walk out of my life. This thought was still scary to me even though I had absolutely no reason to ever think that it would happen. I guess old insecurities die hard. And that particular one was somehow still holding onto it's life, although Edward's contagious happiness when he was around me was starting to kill that insecurity quicker and quicker.

My new insecurity was not so much a _bad_ thing, just irritating. I was always worried that I would fall asleep too soon and I would have less time to look at him and feel the way I always did when I got that chance. I felt completely and blissfully in love when I was with him--even when I wasn't with him--and missing that feeling for even a few hours to allow my body a break from being so dazzled all the time was almost unbearable. Especially since I knew that I only had so much time left to feel that way.

"What are you thinking about?" My angel's voice asked me in a whisper. He was still kissing my neck and even though I couldn't see his eyes, I could feel the curiosity that was always present in them when he was around me. Sometimes I felt so bad for him. I couldn't imagine how difficult it was for him to hear everyone else's thoughts but not the one person who's thoughts he craved the most. I felt bad, but that didn't stop me from being secretly satisfied, at times, that my mind was personal and the only one who could choose to divulge the information in it was me.

"Actually, I was just thinking about...my change." I said this slowly because I was expecting a reaction. Even though he had finally agreed to change me into a vampire, I knew it wasn't something he was looking forward to. His head raised a bit, as I expected it to, but he didn't stop his previous actions for long.

"What exactly are you thinking about in regards to it?" He had moved from my neck to my jawline and I lost my concentration. As much as I loved it when he was kissing me, it didn't help me very often when I was trying to explain my thoughts to him. It bugged me sometimes that he was so curious about my thoughts and when I tried to explain them to him, he always managed to distract me from them by making my mind think of other things. Things I wanted badly...

"As much as it kills me to ask you to stop for a minute, I think it's necessary if you want me to have any focus at all on what I'm saying." He looked amused for a minute and placed one final kiss on my jaw before wrapping me tight in his arms and placing my head on his chest. I was instantly grateful; this position was much easier to talk in because I could hear his steady breath and it soothed me. He moved his fingers lazily along my arms, perfectly content with this kind of physical contact as well as any other--maybe even more so--and I took this as my signal to begin.

"Well, I was just wondering..." I trailed off trying to think of the best way to talk about this. I knew this was going to be a sensitive subject for him but I wasn't worried about his anger. He never got too angry at me and even though I sometimes took this for granted, I still tried my best to take as little advantage of it as possible. It wasn't very nice to manipulate a vampire into doing _everything_ you wanted.

"Bella, what is it? You can ask me about anything that has you worried." He hugged me a bit closer as a way to reassure me that he was listening and that he would be calm about whatever I was trying to discuss. So I took a deep breath and finished my sentence.

"I was just wondering if you are looking forward to my change...at all." I was speaking quietly but I knew he heard me. Instantly, my face was in his hands and he was making me stare directly into his beautiful eyes. They were so full of love and reassurance that I couldn;t help but to regret even bringing it up. He had made it clear that he wanted to spend forever with me on several occasions. But I wasn't really insecure about that. I mostly just wanted to know how hard it would be for him to change me himself. I was quite positive that the "after" part of the transformation would be fine, he would eventually get used to me being a vampire and in time he would overlook his fears of vampires being soulless. But that part was so unclear for me to see. Maybe it was because I knew it would be a while until I felt normal enough to have that thought again. Maybe it was because I couldn't really _see_ myself with Edward as a vampire until it actually happened. All I knew was what was happening now while I was human. I didn't want Edward to be in pain while he was changing me. I knew the physical pain he would endure was unavoidable if he was going to be the one to change me himself. But I didn't want him to feel pain about taking away my life, that pain would be completely unneccesary.

"Bella, we've had this discussion already." He still had a hold on my face but his fingers were now smoothing against my cheeks. I could feel the blood boiling underneath them and I was sure that he could feel it too. This wasn't going to help him stay in control but I didn't have enough willpower to pull away from him. And he didn't have enough to let me go.

"I know we have but I'm worried about something different. I know that it will be easier for you when I'm a vampire. But when your changing me...I don't want you to feel guilty. I don't want _you_ to be in pain." I said it quietly but I tried to let the sincerity I felt ring true in my words like it always did in Edward's.

He just looked at me. Actually, glared would be more accurate. His eyes were smothering. The effect they had on me was unbelieveable. Most of the time, I loved the effect. I loved feeling like the whole world was beneath our feet and therefore it was impossible to see or hear or feel. All I ever wanted to see or hear or feel was in my arms holding me tight and looking at me with the most perfect gaze that held nothing but complete love and adoration. But that was most of the time. Lately it seemed like I was getting this different look a lot more. A look that was stil completely hypnotizing but in a frightening way. I was frightened that I upset him. The consequences of that knowledge were a lot different than what someone might expect them to be but they were enough for me to wish I could take my words back.

"Let me see if I understand this correctly. You are afraid that _I_ am going to be in pain while I'm taking away your life? You are afraid that you'll be hurting _me_ while your writhing in blistering agony and your body feels like it has erupted into flames? You are really the most selfless creature I've ever met." He looked at me with a half-smile but it wasn't exactly the one that I loved. It was a shadow of that but only a shadow; the agony and sorrow were more placent in it.

"Edward, this is _my_ choice. I'm the one who is choosing to become immortal. I know...I mean I accept the amount of pain I'm going to be in. It's the price I'm paying for getting to spend an eternity with you and I'm glad to pay it. But I know that this isn't _your_ choice. I know that you would choose differently." I wasn't as shy anymore, probably because I was getting closer to my point. I wanted him to understand how much it really meant to me that he was going against everything he believed by changing me. This was also one more lame attempt at trying to change the way he thought about vampires and their souls or lack of. An attempt that never seemed to go anywhere. But most of all, I was trying to make him understand that what he was going to do to me was what I truly wanted. I wouldn't go back on it. He was so irrevocably essential to me being..._me._ There was no point to even a few decades of a human life if I always knew in the back of my mind that it would eventually end; that I would eventually end. And if I ended, Edward would find a way to follow. This was the only way to guarantee that he would exist forever. And I would get to exist with him. The two things I wanted most in all the world would happen and I would only have to pay one price for both of them: my life. It seemed almost too easy that this would be the only thing I would have to give up.

And then I remembered that it wasn't only my life I would be giving up. I would be hurting Charlie and Renee too. I would be taking _their_ Bella away from them. I would also be taking away _Jacob's_ Bella. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat that always followed those thoughts. I made a loud sound and I wasn't surpised that Edward took this as his "in".

"Bella, you're not exactly holding a gun to my head. Although that would be quite the equivalent as to why I _am_ choosing to do this. I want you to be happy. I want you to have whatever you desire. I _will_ give you whatever it is that you desire because seeing you happy makes me happy. If becoming one of my kind is what you truly want, I have no other choice than to oblige. But I have to be sure that it really is what _you _want and not something your choosing because you feel you owe it to me." I was a little shocked at his words. This was the most honest he'd ever been with me on this particular subject and I wondered why he finally decided to reveal the truth.

"Edward, stop! We've talked about this more times than we should have, I'm not backing out on--" I was interupted by a sudden look that crossed his face. It frightened me, though I would never admit that aloud, because for a brief second, I'd seen a shadow of Edward as a true vampire in the look that had slipped from his tightly controlled calm facade.

"There is absolutely _no_ limit on how much we should be talking about this Bella." His voice had a slight growl to it and it wasn't the playful sound I was used to. "The fact that we're talking about it at all is enough to make me want to rip something, anything, to shreds. But since I'm allowing this discussion to take place, it needs to be talked about thoroughly. Bella, I--" he stopped for a minute seeming to contemplate how to put his next words to me in a delicate way and I was fully aware now, "I _need_ you to understand something. If you have any hesitation about this at all, even if it seems slight to you, I have to know about it. Once this choice is made, it can't be reversed. I've promised you that there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for you and I meant that, I still do. But some things...are out of my control. I can give this to you, Bella, but I can't have it returned. Your life is not a tradeable object Bella. If you give it to me so absolutely, I won't be able to give it back. And I--" he cut himself off again and though I'd seen him struggle with words a rare few times before, I'd never seen him struggle like this, "I can't give you my life in return. I can only promise you an eternity of a silent heart, a heart that no matter what you choose, will always be yours." He finished quietly with a slight resolve in his tone and for a moment, I couldn't help but feel as if he had won the battle.

How could I put him through so much pain? I'd never really considered myself selfish for asking him to give me the one thing that set us apart from each other because I always knew, or at least thought I knew, that it would be the best thing for us, for him. It was also something that I wanted very much. But hadn't I proven to myself and Edward before that what I wanted wasn't as important as what he wanted? Even though he was so much better at making sacrifices for me--what wasn't he better at than me?--I had made a few crucial ones as well. Could I not sacrifice this? There were no immediate repricussions for choosing a mortal life. I would still blush and trip and sleep, I would get to stay with Charlie and Renee and Jacob, and I would still get to be with Edward...but not forever. Eventually I would have to die and I knew that no matter how much I tried to convince him, Edward would follow me wherever I went, even if that was to another world entirely.

That was an unendurable thought. By making this choice, I was making myself happy. I would also be saving Edward's life. What could be so selfish about that?

"Edward, my life belongs to you already. You know that. And I know that you belong to me too." My voice was fierce and I was proud. A moment of doubt could be completely overshadowed by my absolution of Edward's love for me.

"That's different Bella. It's selfish enough of me to covet you while you are a human." He raised his hand to stop me before I could interupt. "But to take your life away from you and Renee and Charlie! That's another thing entirely! I know that you are convinced this is what's right for you, that it's what you want. But how can you be sure? What happens if you wake up as a vampire and decide that you want to go back? _That's_ what I'm worried about most! I don't want you to have regret. I couldn't live with knowing you felt that way, knowing that I could do asolutely nothing to help you! You're sure _now_ that becoming an immortal is a fair price for an eternity with me, but you'll have me forever anyway Bella. And if you wait a while and you decide that becoming like me is something you still want, then I probably wouldn't feel as guilty for giving it to you. But why now Bella? You still have so much that you could do, so much to see! And I'll be there with you to do and see it all if it's what you really want! But please!" His eyes were pleading with me now and my resolve was quickly fading. What had he said to me before? _"How can I refuse you when you plead with me this way?"_ That conversation was the best she'd ever had. They had come to an agreement: Edward would change her into a vampire after they were married but also not before they made love. And now he was trying to back out of everything! Why did _her_ vampire have to be the morally rich one?

"Bella, I need to ask you something." The look in his eyes was different now. The time she had just spent paying attention to her own thoughts had obviously made her miss the change in his. His eyes were no longer pleading but calculating. And when he looked staright into hers, they were devastatingly hypnotic. He was unleashing his full power on her and hard as she tried to fight it, she was only a human fallen prey to a dangerous creature.

"You are obviously convinced that your life is of little importance to you. Your death, on the other hand, seems to be of great value to you." A dark shadow crossed his face but I only recognized it because of it's familiarness. "I've tried to disuade you, I've tried to force you out of your decision, and I've tried compromising with you. None of those options seem to work for the both of us in an equal manner so I can only think of one thing that is left for me to ask you before your final decision is made. If you can answer this for me Bella, I won't show resistance to your choice anymore." Edward vowed. I couldn't imagine what kind of question he would have but if my answer would be the one thing to get him to stop worrying about me and just stick to our agreement, I would take the question gladly. So I took a deep breath, smiled convincingly up at him, and said, "Okay, ask me."

"I'm trusting you to tell me the truth Bella. That's the only thing I expect." I gazed at him for a moment trying to assure with him with my eyes that I understood his stipulations but it seemed he wanted a verbal response.

"The truth, okay." I said through my teeth. I was growing a bit impatient--is this how he felt _all_ the time at my mental silence?--for his question and the suspense seemed to be too dramatic.

"You told me before that you believe I have a soul. Maybe that's true and maybe it's not. But you, Bella, you have a soul _most definitely._ I know because it's the most beautiful one I've seen in my century of existance. I know what your soul is worth and because of that, I love you more than you could ever know. Your soul is worth more than anything I could ever imagine. I'm positive of how much you love me Bella, though I can't pretend I understand why. But because you love me, I can only assume that you would feel the same about the worth of my life and the probability of me having a soul." I couldn't be hearing this. He wasn't going to do this to me. His question wasn't supposed to be about his soul or my soul, it was only supposed to be about whether becoming a vampire was what I really wanted! The last time we talked about souls like this--besides our compromise--was after my horrendous 18th birthday. I wouldn't allow myself to think about the time after the last conversation we had similar to this one because it was a time of unimaginable pain. And though the pain had completely disappeared with the reappearance of the source, I was well aware of it's lingering and faded presence well below the surface that wouldn't hesitate to break free and unleash a far greater rath than it ever had if the reason for my being would take this conversation where I was scared it was heading to.

"I'm sure it doesn't come as a suprise to you when I say that my life and your life are tangled into one cord. If your life is taken, my life disappears as well. Your life is the only thing I refuse to risk no matter the circumstance." I still couldn;t believe he was going to head in this direction. Didn't he understand that his next words were going to kill me? I had nothing left in me but fear. Even his comforting hold couldn't silence the screaming teror inside of me..." So what about my life Bella? You are willing to die to make me happy, to join me in an eternity of night, to stay with me forever. But can you live for me? Being with me, just as we are now--your warm and beating heart against my cold still one--is this enough to have for _your _forever? Your death is something I fear more than I could ever tell you. But your life, it's my greatest joy. Can you live for me, Bella?"

My heart broke as I feared it would, though not for the reason I expected it to. All of a sudden his arms were not a comfort or a joy. They may as well have been invisible. I'd never felt so untouched in all my life.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE!:** Dude! I've been working on this chapter for forever! Seriously! I hope you enjoyed it and if you didn't...even if you did...PLEASE tell me why! I have no problem making improvements to me story and I actually enjoy it! There are some hiddden things in this chapter, by the way, that will most likely appear in the next chapter but I have yet to work that out. The next one will be Bella's response to this situation and all that other good stuff :) Thanks for reading it all so far :)


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